My name is Charity Lee.
In 1980, when I was only six years old, my father, James Robert Bennett Jr., was shot multiple times in the back with a .357 Magnum early one morning in our home. His accused killer was arrested, charged, tried, and acquitted. Had she not been acquitted the death penalty would have been imposed. I knew this woman well. She is my mother. In 2007, my four year old daughter, Ella Lee Bennett, was sexually assaulted, beaten, choked, and stabbed seventeen times late one night in our home. Minutes after her death her killer called 911 to turn himself in. I knew her killer well. He is my son. Had he not been a juvenile he too would have faced the death penalty. I do not stand before you to dwell or expand upon on the violence that has permeated and poisoned my life. I do not stand before you to rattle off statistics or regale you with stories of misery, pain, and loss. I stand before you to speak as the daughter of a murdered father, the mother of a murderer, and the mother of a murdered child. I stand before you as a woman whose entire life has been shaped and defined by violence and murder. I stand before you to tell you how, after I was forced to look violence in the face time after time again, I learned to continue to live with love in spite of the horror violence showed me. I stand before you to show you what I have learned, and continue to learn, from my father, my son, and my daughter about the nature and expression of unconditional love. I stand before you with the hope that my pain, my losses, will save you from experiencing and enduring the depths of pain and despair I live with daily. I stand before you to encourage you to act in your world with empathy and love, not with anger and violence. I stand before you to tell you how I have learned to cope with and transform the senseless violence that daily destroys our lives, our families, our friends, our communities, our society, and our world into something beautiful and meaningful. I stand before you to testify that a life full of murder, loss, and unspeakable grief, has taught me everything I need to learn about love. I stand before you as an example of the power of unconditional love. I have survived a lifetime of murder. I live, and now work, on both sides of the crime scene tape. I have never seen any murder, whether it is by an individual or a government, bring anything but pain into the world. There is no such thing as closure for the victims, for the offenders, or for their families after a murder has occurred. Pain does not disappear when another act of murder has been carried out; it tightens its grip on our hearts. Pain never disappears but with unconditional love pain does become bearable. Because I am the daughter of a murdered father, the mother of a murderer, and the mother of a murdered child I know four facts to be irrevocably true.
In 1980, when I was only six years old, my father, James Robert Bennett Jr., was shot multiple times in the back with a .357 Magnum early one morning in our home. His accused killer was arrested, charged, tried, and acquitted. Had she not been acquitted the death penalty would have been imposed. I knew this woman well. She is my mother. In 2007, my four year old daughter, Ella Lee Bennett, was sexually assaulted, beaten, choked, and stabbed seventeen times late one night in our home. Minutes after her death her killer called 911 to turn himself in. I knew her killer well. He is my son. Had he not been a juvenile he too would have faced the death penalty. I do not stand before you to dwell or expand upon on the violence that has permeated and poisoned my life. I do not stand before you to rattle off statistics or regale you with stories of misery, pain, and loss. I stand before you to speak as the daughter of a murdered father, the mother of a murderer, and the mother of a murdered child. I stand before you as a woman whose entire life has been shaped and defined by violence and murder. I stand before you to tell you how, after I was forced to look violence in the face time after time again, I learned to continue to live with love in spite of the horror violence showed me. I stand before you to show you what I have learned, and continue to learn, from my father, my son, and my daughter about the nature and expression of unconditional love. I stand before you with the hope that my pain, my losses, will save you from experiencing and enduring the depths of pain and despair I live with daily. I stand before you to encourage you to act in your world with empathy and love, not with anger and violence. I stand before you to tell you how I have learned to cope with and transform the senseless violence that daily destroys our lives, our families, our friends, our communities, our society, and our world into something beautiful and meaningful. I stand before you to testify that a life full of murder, loss, and unspeakable grief, has taught me everything I need to learn about love. I stand before you as an example of the power of unconditional love. I have survived a lifetime of murder. I live, and now work, on both sides of the crime scene tape. I have never seen any murder, whether it is by an individual or a government, bring anything but pain into the world. There is no such thing as closure for the victims, for the offenders, or for their families after a murder has occurred. Pain does not disappear when another act of murder has been carried out; it tightens its grip on our hearts. Pain never disappears but with unconditional love pain does become bearable. Because I am the daughter of a murdered father, the mother of a murderer, and the mother of a murdered child I know four facts to be irrevocably true.
1. Love does conquer all. I have seen it at work in my life and in the lives’ of countless others I counsel and support in their darkest moment. I’m sure you have heard it before but I say it again because truth with a capital T needs to be shouted from the rooftops as often as possible. Love begets love. Hate begets hate. Love is the only force powerful enough to conquer hate. If you want to live in a world free of hate and violence stop being hateful. Learn to set aside your ego, your pride, your anger, your insults, your righteous indignation, and your judgments. Instead learn to flex your empathy muscles. Learn to use your words wisely. Learn that your words are powerful. Learn to use that power for good, for justice, and for love. Everyone in this room will suffer a traumatic event in their life. Some will die because of one. Love for yourself and love for one another is the only way to prevent and heal from this trauma.
2. I have nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of. Violence is so prevalent and accepted in our culture what happened to my loved ones, my family, can, and may, happen to any one of you in spite of your best efforts. We are all an eyeblink away from trauma. After my father was murdered, then again after Paris killed Ella, many people in my life and the community put as much distance as they could between themselves and me. As a child I was shunned and taunted by my classmates, by children who listened and believed their parents when they said my mother was a murderess, children who every time they got mad at me for some small slight threw my father’s murder into my face, as if his murder were somehow my fault, my crime, my burden to bear. As an adult, I am verballyattacked by people I have never met or seen in my life, people who assume I must be evil because they think my son is, people who assume I must be, at best a closet criminal or, even worse, a horrible mother because of what my son chose to do. Communities I was once part of shunned me in my darkest hours and times of great need.
Exactly one week before Ella’s murder I was at the breakfast table with my children and opened the local newspaper and read the tragic story of Janie de la Paz, a four-year old girl murdered in a drive-by shooting. The first thought that entered my mind was "How horrible". The second, "Thank god that will never happen to us." I never once thought of reaching out to her family, never once thought to offer them my support, never once thought of doing anything to stop the senseless violence. My thought was, "How lucky I am. My children are happy and whole. How lucky we are. We will never face that kind of tragedy because we are different from the de la Paz’s."
Because I used to be guilty of the same offense I understand why we distance ourselves from tragedy and shun those who have experienced it. Fear, plain and simple
fear. No one wants to believe the horror that befell my family can happen to theirs. No one wants to believe their Ella, their Janie, their father can be murdered. No one wants to believe their Paris, their mother; their loved one can commit murder. I am living proof you should believe it possible. Do not distance yourself from those in need. Do not shun those who have been traumatized. This only causes more pain. Ignoring the problem of violence will not make it stop at your doorstep.
3. Life is to be lived. Boldly. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it best. "Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment." I believe, after surviving the worst nightmares I’ve ever had, after surviving a life bookended by murder, that I have been called to be a healer of hearts and souls. Living the life of a daughter of a murdered father, mother of a murderer and a murder victim, has only served to increase the amount of love and compassion I feel for each person I encounter. Every moment I have experienced thus far has led me to one unassailable belief: the most important thing I do in my life is to help anyone, anyone at all, to remember life is meaningful and, no matter how untrue this may feel at the time, they are meaningful to life. I have a mantra I try to live by: Love, Sacrifice, Service. These three spiritual truths form the basis of my ethical code, my worldview, and guide my exchanges with others. These truths transcend all boundaries of age, color, gender, sexual orientation, class, nationality, religion, and language. We all have a story that deserves to be heard. We all have different ways of sharing our story. We all have moments we are unable to see the essential role we play in life. Whether we are blinded by choice or chance makes no difference in our experience of being blind. At some point, we will all need a mustard seed of faith planted by our positive experience of another to continue to live our life the best we can, to be able to grow in all of life’s seasons. Stop worrying about what everyone will think of you. Stop worrying about the label on your shirt, the car you drive, or the size of your house. Stop worrying about keeping up with your neighbors. Focus the energy you waste on fear and worry on empathy, compassion, and love instead. Imagine what an amazing world we would live in if we could all do this.
4. I am convinced, beyond the shadow of any doubt, the only reason I survived my personal hell is to accomplish four monumental goals. I survive to share my love and my family's story with anyone who needs it or is willing to listen. I survive to offer my time and heart to all victims of violence I meet. I survive to rattle the bars of the criminal justice system a bit by advocating for justice and humane treatment rather than punishment for those who do us harm. And finally, when I am done surviving hell, when goals one through three are accomplished and life sees fit to let me go, I will hold my daughter again. Four years of holding Ella was not enough.
On April 12, 2011, what would have been Ella’s 9th birthday, I created The ELLA Foundation, a nonprofit based in San Antonio, TX, whose mission is to prevent violence and to advocate for human rights through education, criminal justice reform and victim advocacy efforts. I created The ELLA Foundation for one reason, self-evident: it can do more good, spread more love, than one woman alone.
The ELLA Foundation™ is currently at work on the following projects:
* Publication of "How Now Butterfly?" ©, my memoir on the loss of my children.
* The coordination of local, national and international agencies and nonprofits to build support for humane treatment for both victims and offenders in an effort to reduce crime and victimization.
* Local, national and international speaking engagements in which I incorporate my personal experience and professional knowledge of family violence and juvenile crime to educate the public in prevention and human rights.
* The development of, in conjuction with the Victim Advocacy & Homicide Divisions of the SAPD, an agency wide volunteer based Crisis Intervention Program. I call my volunteers Team ELLA™ because there are four things someone caught in the cycle of violence needs to stop and overcome violence in their life:
- Empathy
- Love
- Lessons
- Action
The ELLA Foundation™ is currently at work on the following projects:
* Publication of "How Now Butterfly?" ©, my memoir on the loss of my children.
* The coordination of local, national and international agencies and nonprofits to build support for humane treatment for both victims and offenders in an effort to reduce crime and victimization.
* Local, national and international speaking engagements in which I incorporate my personal experience and professional knowledge of family violence and juvenile crime to educate the public in prevention and human rights.
* The development of, in conjuction with the Victim Advocacy & Homicide Divisions of the SAPD, an agency wide volunteer based Crisis Intervention Program. I call my volunteers Team ELLA™ because there are four things someone caught in the cycle of violence needs to stop and overcome violence in their life:
- Empathy
- Love
- Lessons
- Action
My goal and mission in life is for The ELLA Foundation™ to one day have the means to open community centers, named Ella’s Place™, in actively crime ridden communities which will offer support and education to victims of violent crime, no matter which side of the crime scene tape our clients must cross to find us to begin to heal.
My son murdered his sister three months after his 13th birthday. For his birthday I sat down and composed a list that summed up 13 things loving him had taught me. Three years later my son turned 16 in the custody of the Texas Youth Commission. I could not bake him a cake, throw him a party, teach him to drive, take him to get a driver’s license, or marvel over what an impressive and amazing man my child had grown to be. So I sat down and added three more to his list and mailed it to him. I’d like to share with you what my son taught me about love.
To my beloved son on his 13th birthday…13 things loving you has taught me…
My son murdered his sister three months after his 13th birthday. For his birthday I sat down and composed a list that summed up 13 things loving him had taught me. Three years later my son turned 16 in the custody of the Texas Youth Commission. I could not bake him a cake, throw him a party, teach him to drive, take him to get a driver’s license, or marvel over what an impressive and amazing man my child had grown to be. So I sat down and added three more to his list and mailed it to him. I’d like to share with you what my son taught me about love.
To my beloved son on his 13th birthday…13 things loving you has taught me…
1. Live in the here and now.
The past cannot be changed and the future is yours for the creating.
2. Live without limits but set boundaries.
3. Love boldly yet carefully.
4. Be mindful of others dreams and aspirations. Offer support and encouragement often.
5. Know your limits. Trust your instinct. Do not be afraid to draw lines in the sand.
6. Follow your yellow brick road... it always knows where you need to be.
7. Stop and listen to the silence occasionally to remind your self that life is not always as it seems.
8. Trust until given a reason not to. Help until you are being taken advantage of.
9. Hold no regrets: life is too short and you are the sum of all your experiences, both good and bad.
10. Never be afraid to admit your mistakes or apologize for them. You will be a better man then most because of it.
11. Try not to let the actions of a few jade your opinion of all.
12. Good manners will take you farther then any amount of money or talent.
13. When all else fails remind yourself that this is your life and you have to live it the way you feel is best.
To my beloved son on his 16th birthday--it is has been a long hard trip getting here but I would not change any of it--what is, is. You still teach me so much about love so here are three more for your list….
1. Always let love be your guide and light at the end of your tunnel.
2. As long as you keep breathing, you can survive anything. Even if you quit, you survive everything anyway.
3. No matter who you are, no matter what you have done, no matter what you may do, I always have and I always will love you to the stars and back.
If we must fight it is time to fight for justice. If we must fight it is time to fight for humanity. If we must fight the only weapons we should arm ourselves with are empathy, compassion, and love. These are the only weapons that will make our world a better and more humane place to exist.
My name is Charity and my name means love. My daughter’s name is Ella and her name now means empathy, love, lessons, and action. I believe in the power of charity. I believe in the power of empathy, love, lessons, and action. I believe if we all do our best to live with love and empathy, do our best and to share our lessons, do our best to act when needed, we can, and will, stop the violence that is killing us all.
Charity Lee
Executive Director
The ELLA Foundation
Preventing Violence thru Empathy, Love, Lessons, & Action
www.theellafoundation.com
www.facebook.com/TheEllaFoundation
"Love your children well....." ~~ Me
2. Live without limits but set boundaries.
3. Love boldly yet carefully.
4. Be mindful of others dreams and aspirations. Offer support and encouragement often.
5. Know your limits. Trust your instinct. Do not be afraid to draw lines in the sand.
6. Follow your yellow brick road... it always knows where you need to be.
7. Stop and listen to the silence occasionally to remind your self that life is not always as it seems.
8. Trust until given a reason not to. Help until you are being taken advantage of.
9. Hold no regrets: life is too short and you are the sum of all your experiences, both good and bad.
10. Never be afraid to admit your mistakes or apologize for them. You will be a better man then most because of it.
11. Try not to let the actions of a few jade your opinion of all.
12. Good manners will take you farther then any amount of money or talent.
13. When all else fails remind yourself that this is your life and you have to live it the way you feel is best.
To my beloved son on his 16th birthday--it is has been a long hard trip getting here but I would not change any of it--what is, is. You still teach me so much about love so here are three more for your list….
1. Always let love be your guide and light at the end of your tunnel.
2. As long as you keep breathing, you can survive anything. Even if you quit, you survive everything anyway.
3. No matter who you are, no matter what you have done, no matter what you may do, I always have and I always will love you to the stars and back.
If we must fight it is time to fight for justice. If we must fight it is time to fight for humanity. If we must fight the only weapons we should arm ourselves with are empathy, compassion, and love. These are the only weapons that will make our world a better and more humane place to exist.
My name is Charity and my name means love. My daughter’s name is Ella and her name now means empathy, love, lessons, and action. I believe in the power of charity. I believe in the power of empathy, love, lessons, and action. I believe if we all do our best to live with love and empathy, do our best and to share our lessons, do our best to act when needed, we can, and will, stop the violence that is killing us all.
Charity Lee
Executive Director
The ELLA Foundation
Preventing Violence thru Empathy, Love, Lessons, & Action
www.theellafoundation.com
www.facebook.com/TheEllaFoundation
"Love your children well....." ~~ Me
